4 Effective Commercials That Make No Freaking Sense

We've all seen them. You're sitting on your couch waiting for the rest of Ultimate Cake Off to come back from break (What's that? You don't watch Ultimate Cake Off? I judge you) and the usual dull commercials are running across the screen while you get some cake yourself or water your cactus. All of a sudden, something on the television makes you do a double-take. Are those guys playing practical jokes on Sasquatch? Yes. Yes they are. And you know the weird thing? It makes you want some beef jerky. This is an ode to those commercials. Here are some oddly persuasive commercials who's writers probably didn't know what they were selling. I think it's no coincidence that all of these are food/drink commercials.

Caribbeans would be awesome fisherman if not for that damn alcohol
The Commercial:

Yeah like this, but with ALCOHOL !!

Wtf meter:

Ok, there were a lot to choose from for Malibu Rum, but this pretty much sums them up. It's kind of hard to tell what their message is from the commercial. Is the Caribbean made up of trained navy men disguised as fisherman? Is the only thing stopping the Caribbean from monopolizing the fishing industry an uncontrollable alcoholic problem? How serious do they think the rest of the world is? IS THAT SUIT THE SIZE OF AN ACTUAL CARIBBEAN FISH?!?

Effectiveness:

The commercial makes sense in a humorous sort of way. The basic idea is that if the Caribbean took things as seriously as the rest of the world (insert humorous situation here). They produced a series of similar commercials with the same premise and it's pretty clever. The problem is, none of it has anything to do with the product (which is Malibu Rum, by the way. I don't blame you if you didn't know). They never show, mention, or make any attempt to advertise what they're selling until that little 2 seconds of a bottle shown onscreen near the end. It might as well be a fisherman recruitment commercial. I would buy Malibu Rum, despite their terrible marketing techniques and the possible legal ramifications of me doing such (You do not want to see me drunk). I think the biggest contributor from this commercial is that the drill sergeant is the only one who looks intense. The rest of them look like they just got out of bed and took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. I must be apart of this situation, and that rum is my one-way ticket.

Wizard kids like dueling and have no regard for human life

The commercial:

So....the kids are just kinda...turnin' stuff into Fruit by the Foot with the power of their minds? Cool.

Wtf Meter:

Couple pals in a basement enjoyng each other's company. Nothing weird about that....wait. What are they doing? Did that one kid just turn the other kid's shoelace into candy by speaking?! How is that possible?! Do these kids have some kind of magical God powers? That's interesting. I wonder if there's a back story to this commercial. Hmm...they seem to be dueling. I wonder what they are dueling over? Did they have a schism? Maybe they're fighting over a girl; the kid on the left has fire in his eyes. Actually, I take that back. Both of their eyes seem dead. They sure are taking this in stride. Right-side-kid just got his fingers turned into Fruit by the Foot and he didn't even bat an eyeliOH MY GOD HE JUST KILLED THAT KID!! HE JUST STRAIGHT UP TURNED THAT KID ENTIRELY INTO CANDY!!! IS THAT ALLOWED??!! DOES THIS DUEL HAVE ANY RULES?? Ref? What's going to happen now? Is he going to eat him?? Eeeewww... Where are these kids' parents?!?!

Busy messin with Sasquatch

Effectiveness:

I think you already know where I'm going with this one. Got a problem? A parking ticket? Springs in your bed popped? Aliens/Meteor threatening to destroy the planet? No problem! Just turn it all into Fruit by the Foot and eat it! "How do I get this wonderful power" you say? Just eat some Fruit by the Foot! Then turn some stuff into candy and eat it, thereby gaining more power! Vicious cycle? More like delicious cycle. The only way this could be a bad thing is if you go mad with power or just hate the taste of Fruit by the Foot. The former isn't a con and the latter is impossible so I SEE NOTHING!!

Sprite is made from the remains of others

The Commercial:

Mmmm tasty

Wtf Meter:

Let's see. Mass suicide...People bathing in the remains of said mass suicide...This is obviously a recruitment by Sprite to get people to join their cult. The weirdest part for me, though, is how easily they burst into that clear liquid that I assume is Sprite. That and the fact that nothing comes out but pure Sprite. How much Sprite would a person have had to drink before you explode at the slightest touch (well sure they took running starts, but I'm using UFC fighting as a reference) and nothing come out but Sprite? Let me say that again: Nothing came out but Sprite. Do you have any idea what it takes to maintain human life? Bones, blood, organs, muscles, etc? Now imagine drinking so much Sprite, nothing but Sprite for so long, that everything inside you turns into Sprite. That's alot of Sprite.

Effectiveness:

Well I'm not so sure that I'd want to kill myself for the satisfaction of others around me, but I guess maybe if I was one of the pople taking a shower it wouldn't be so bad. The people in this video also seem not to care about the deaths going on around them so that's something in common with the Fruit by the Foot kids.

They call it Coke for a reason

The Commercial:

Sorry, I only play the muppet trumpet...

Wtf Meter:

Why is it that every Coca-Cola commercial looks like the hallucination of somebody on some bad drugs? Oh that's right. Maybe it's because of all the cocaine they used to dump in it. Obviously somebody was tripping balls sometime during the making of this commercial.

"The mysterious man played his piano, and the monsters made their wonderful sounds. The hypnotizing melody lured innocent bystanders into the area. In their daze they cannot help but dance along with the little demons' tunes. Then coke grows out of the ground and they all start drinking it. Then the cops show up and totally bust the guy for drug traffiking and abduction." - Steven Spielburg, on the plot of his commercial idea for Coca-cola. I think they edited it a little...

Effectiveness:

Besides the whole "summoning minions from the netherworld" and "ensnaring unsuspecting youths to their doom" thing, it's a pretty catchy tune and they look like they're having a good time. At least mysterious man doesn't look like he wants to do anything wierd to them; maybe he's just in desperate need of some friends.

"I'd do anything to be your friend!"

It's no wonder when I woke up from my black out I found myself with a bottle of Coke in my hand.

The True Story of Pinocchio

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Bear vs. FCC

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Dic-tion-ar-y n. (see Lexicon)

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New Background

Finally a new background! Isn't it nice? I got it from AlpHa Buttonpusher at her blog designs, functions, and other arts blog at http://kittydesignes.blogspot.com/. She takes requests and is pretty skilled so give her a visit.

You Make Me Cool: My life according to The Seatbelts

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's harder than you think.

Your Artist: The Seatbelts

Are you male or female: The Real Man

Describe yourself: Spy

How do you feel about yourself: Forever Broke

Describe where you currently live: What Planet is This?!

The first thing you think of when you wake up: Rush

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Road to the West

Your favorite form of transportation: Flying Teapot

Your best friend is: Diggin My Potato

What's the weather like: Clutch

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Go Go Cactus Man

What is life to you: 24hours OPEN

What is the best advice you have to give: Gotta Knock a Little Harder

If you could change your name, what would it be: Words That We Couldn't Say

Your favorite food is: Chicken Bone

How I would like to die: Vitamin A

My soul's present condition: Gateway

The faults I can bear: The EGG and YOU

How would you describe your love life: Want It All Back

What are you going to post this as: You Make Me Cool

Afterthoughts: Farewell Blues

This Book Will Change Your Life

Recently I've been spending a lot of time in the a bookstore near my house. I came across this book a few times and decided to take a look inside. It's called "This Book Will Change Your Life" and true to it's name, it will. The basic idea is that the book gives you something interesting to try out to spice up the day or look at things from a different perspective. Each page is another day of the year and the entire book is to be finished in a year. Some of the ideas are pretty good, like for instance introducing yourself to a stranger and asking them their first impression, or a day where you don't say anything at all in recognition of how much meaningless chatting our lives are filled with. But other ideas are some I wouldn't recommend, like doing a self-colonoscopy or eating a small piece of your furniture. For those of you who are wondering, the self-colonoscopy involves taking a shower head off, putting the tubing in your butt, running warm water through your digestive tract, and then draining out all the waste. It's something you generally do at a hospital but the book insists that this saves time and money. Besides some of the more wacky things (trying to levitate objects, the are-you-a-seial-killer test) this book is a really good idea. I recommend it, especially for people who find themselves in the same endless loop year after year. Check it out.

Rantage, anyone?

Well I guess I have to start by saying how disappointed I am with my failure of a contest. Nobody entered anything. So now, after crying for 2 straight months, I have to get my friend's sister to do it. I don't even know her middle name. That's unrelated. But that also reminds me, I have some cool new webcomics to put up, also. But...I can't because my scanner is down. Alas. At last! Epic poem time:

At last! He descends from the heavens!
A mighty fist of fierce lightning
Corrodes the land. Endless Fury
Scorns the cursed evil doers.
A swift blow to the neck makes waste
And to fire the Enemies go.

Yay for that.

Those are supposed to be muscles...

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1st Ever Paper Fence Contest!! (no prize)

I've decided that I'm done pushing my luck concerning other people's tolerance of infringed copyright laws. Actually, I'm not even sure if it is copyrighted. Nonetheless I have decided to hold the first Paper Fence Contest to decide what my new banner and background will be. You, my loyal followers will be creating these things for me. It could be in the form of a drawing, picture, photoshop, etc. The only requirement is that there be a paper fence of some sort somewhere in it. Other than that, be creative. Once you've done that, post a link to your creation under this post in the comments section. I will choose my favorite two and make one my banner and the other my background. There is no limit to how many you are allowed to make, either. There isn't really a prize except recognition and honor, I guess. The time limit will be 3-5 days. Good luck!

The Lemonade Stand Award

subtitle: When life gives you lemons, make a little lemonade.

I'm really surprised to get two awards in such a short period of time. Thank you SquirrelQueen This is the Lemonade Stand Award, given to bloggers for their good attitudes. The recipients (if they want to) are to give the award to about 10 other bloggers of their choice. Here's mine:

aMusings Blog
BASF
Justsouknow
Alex
Lupe_LU
Sandi K
Lesley
Rebecca
Small Footprints
Lucy

'Grats to everyone. Make sure to pass the drink around.

This post seems a little short, so I think I'll tell a story.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who enjoyed jumping on his trampoline. He would jump on it every day for hours at a time. One day he got up really early so that he could jump on it all day. He started jumping, and eventually his bounces got higher, and higher, and higher, so high that he could see the statue of liberty from his backyard. He lived in California. Soon after that his bounces went out of the planet's atmosphere and he landed on the moon, never to return. He became legend, known as The Man on the Moon. The End. This is not a true story. And I made it up.

Indianna Jones and the Vengeful Aztecs

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My 4-Leaf Clover

You thought it was impossible didn't you? All the naysayers said "Nay!" Well suck it, Naysayers! That's right. I found a four leaf clover. It happened upon me at my doorsteps. I was walking from my car to the house when I just happened to look down. What should be at my feet but a four leaf clover? It was like having an unexpected but pleasantly surprising guest. The kind to whom you would say "Why hello there, four leaf clover. Fancy meeting you here, at my doorstep. Would you care to come in for some tea and scones? I just went to the store and bought some scones. I had some scones yesterday at the govenor's house and they were just delightful. I asked him 'Please gov'na, might I have some more?' and he was all like 'MORE?!' so I just had to go and get some for myself." On an unrelated note, since Spring began I had been searching within the piles of clovers in my yard for a four leaf clover. So here's my prized possession:

Actually, this isn't my four leaf clover. I can't get the camera to work so I just put a random photo I found because I'm just that lazy. My four leaf clover is too old to photograph anyway. In clover years it'd be nearing 70. It was all old and withered and brown. I say "was" because I decided to release it back into the wild. Just now. In the time it took you to read this sentence, I have gone outside and freed my clover. Now it can be back with it's friends and family. I'm a little relieved, honestly. I've been wondering if four leaf clovers actually bring good luck. I know if I was minding my own business and some jerk kidnapped me and locked me in his room, I wouldn't be too keen on wishing him well. Food for thought.

P.S. The world record is an 18 leaf clover, or so I've been told.

Golden Heart Award

This really makes me feel special. Oh so special. I haven't blogged in a while so I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but I have (at some point in time) been awarded this beautifully golden-hearted Golden Heart Award. The aforementioned award was given to me by Vaishu from her blog Sweet Randomness in Life. It's an excellent blog by a clever person that everyone should check out. Now it is my honor to present the Golden Heart Award to five of my favorite blogs. When you get this award, you must place it somewhere on your blog and present it to five other blogs of your chosing:

1. The Road to Here
I know she already has enough awards to fill a bucket, but she deserves them. I enjoy the photography and the insights and advices are very enlightening.

2. T__T *how I cry*
You can tell from the title that this is an amazing blog. I love the stories; although they can be a little long-winded they keep my attention, which is increasingly hard these days.

3. My turn to rant
Ah, the world of dry humor. They say it's the best medicine. Actually I've never heard that, but my point is I like this blog. I'm not one for politics so don't judge me there, but it makes me laugh.

4. aMusings Blog
Teehee, I made a big circle with blog awards. I especially like the name pun. Amusing blog vs. A musing Blog (i left out the s at the end). Is it just me, or have all these been to women so far? Hintedy hint hint.

5. E_M_Y Rants
This is a pretty saucy blog. Don't ask me what that means. But I know it's a compliment. Check out the blog if you want to find out. Nice and crispy.

So there you have it. Thank you Vaishu and congratulations to everyone else. Those were not awarded in any specific order, by the way.

Quidditch for Muggles

This should be interessting to any Harry Potter fans. Remember those intense Quidditch matches that they had? Well apparently some college students decided to bring it to a reality. For those of you who don't know about Quidditch, it's a wizard sport from J.K. Rowling's book series Harry Potter that combines dodgeball, soccer, and flying broomsticks:

Yes, I realize that they're speaking French, but that was the best one I could find. To sum it up, when a team throws the red ball (Quaffle) through a goal post (the hoops on stilts) it's 10 points. Only 4 designated people on each team are allowed to touch it. Three Chasers, who try to score, and a Keeper, who is prety much a goalie. The flying black balls, called Bludgers, go around trying to knock people off their brooms (see 2:19). Two people on each team with sticks (Beaters) knock the bludgers toward people on the other team. Then there's a Seeker on each team who tries to find and catch the Golden Snitch, the flying winged yellow ball. If a Seeker catches the snitch, their team is awarded 150 points and the game ends.

The real-life version is alot less...glamorous?

The rules are pretty much the same, but there are a few modifications: Of course there's no flying. Players must have a broom between their legs at all times on the field. If hit by a bludger, which in this case is just two dodgeballs thrown around, they must drop any balls they are holding and run back to their goal post before they can go back into the action. And instead of a snitch, they have a cross country runner wearing yellow, with a tennis ball in a sock tucked into the back of his/her pants (sort of like flag football). The snitch and the seekers chasing it can run anywhere on campus, as opposed to the other players, who must stay on the field. The seekers are aiming to catch the tennis ball, and if they do their team only gets 50 points, and the game ends.

It looks fun in a stupid sort of way, like playing hide and seek in a gym (I've been known to do that). I would completely do this, especially since my school says it's going to start a league next year. People running around on brooms? Nice.

Don't Ask the Cactus

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Trix are for...?

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Yogurt

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Yay, webcomics!!

SURPRISE!! I've decided to post all my random unfunny jokes on here...in the form of a webcomic!! Now I know my art is terrible and the jokes aren't funny, but these are just the experimental stages, so bear with me and hopefully it'll get better. If you can't read it, click on it to enlarge. So here's my first one:

Dreams

When you really stop to think about it, going comatose for several hours and having wild halucinations doesn't seem like it would be too appealing (for those of you who don't go to xkcd.com). Despite this, sleeping and all affiliated actions are in the top 10 of my favorite things to do. Dreaming in particular is why I look forward to going to bed at night. You could end up anywhere doing anything, completely random. At least for me. If anyone knows how to control what you dream, please tell me. Anyway, most of my dreams have me around lots of people partying or something like that in these cool places like arcades, big parks, Hogwarts (don't judge me), etc. My favorite places even come up in my dreams multiple times, like an after party dream. I hope I don't jinx myself, but I've never had a bad dream in my life. Even this one dream I had where I was in this vampire/house of the dead house turned out to be more of an escape adventure than a nightmare. Maybe it's just my optimistic side coming out. Dreams are a kind of double-edged sword, though. On the one side you get infinite amazingness, but then you get to wake up to a comparatively average and uncelebrated life. It makes me a little sad sometimes that my life can't be more exciting like in my dreams. But I wonder: if life was more like a dream, what would our dreams be like then?

Coming Soon

I am seriously falling behind. Not that this is a competition or anything, but if it was, I would be in the back. Oh wait. It is a competition (Brian) and I'm winning. Nevertheless, I'm going to be blogging it up nonstop in a couple of days. Plus, I have another surprise (hint: better than the pirate talk)

So, 'tis a story ye be wantin'?

Arrgh, it be in me best interest t' spin a yarn o'er me recent days. Me vessel be in the clutches of the navy's port, me search for the Treasures o' the Fifty States is at an end, and the day of the ressurection is at hand. Aye, me peg legs be gettin' a waxing an' no scallywags be courtin' my wenches.

Translation:
Here's whats been happening with me over the past few days. The police found my car, I finally finished collecting all fifty state quarters, and Easter is around the corner. I'm relaxing; life is good.

Dude, where's my car? (Still not the pirate post)

You know how weird it feels to have something taken away right under your nose without you noticing until later? Well imagine my surprise this morning when I awaken to find that my car was not where it was supposed to be. As in stolen. This isn't the first time it's happened, either. The police found the last one that was stolen, but this time no luck. At least not yet. They did find something that was in the car though. Apparently the person(s) who took it threw a bag of mine out of the car into somebody's yard a couple of streets down. They kept my pretzels, though...

This is not the pirate post.

As some of you may or may not have noticed, I have a new gadget section called "What Dat Smell Like?", where I give a random item depending on my mood. It seems to be acting up and won't always show what dat smell like. so if you can't see it, just take you mouse and highlight under the gadget title where you think my word should be. It's kinda like a scavenger hunt! How lovely.

Haha Noteriety!! et. al.

Over the past couple of days, it seems that I've acquired some new followers; people that I don't actually know. And as weird as "random people following you" sounds, it's a blog so I'm taking it as a good thing. Also, who can tell me how to change my background to something other than what it is?

P.S. My next post will be in pirate-speak, so be prepaaared. (See what I did there?)

Spring is here!

I had forgotten how nice Springtime was over this past long winter, until I walked outside this morning. Everything was so bright and colorful and the sun was shining and it made me happy. It also brought to mind the song "Mr. Blue Sky" by the Electric Light Orchestra. They're kind of like the Beatles and it's a really good song. Anyway, I'm in a good mood and I'm thinking its going to start looking nicer outside soon.

Slumdog Millionaire

Picture this. You are in a hospital at the deathbed of your long lost childhood friend that has been coming in and out of your life in a Forrest Gump sort of way. You take his/her hand and reassure that everything is going to be alright, although you both know the inevitable. Then you both admit your love for each other, kiss, and then he/she dies. All of a sudden--- Pirates!! *Pirates of the Carribean theme music starts playing while you start fighting pirates*

See what happened there? Did I ruin the mood? Well that's pretty much what happens in Slumdog Millionaire. Sure, I changed the plot a little (read as: completely), but there's a similar sharp left turn in the movie that makes you wish you had stopped watching a couple of minutes before. I won't spoil the plot, but this event occurs near the end of the movie, pretty much the climax. Some stuff goes down and the movie ends with a big "Awwww" love moment. Then the producer goes, "Hey guys. You know what would go great right here? A dance party!!"
Yep. They start dancing. And not the You Got Served kind of dancing. I'm talking about the YMCA mixed with thriller kind of dancing. I'm talking about the kind of dancing that your parents would say used to be cool when they were your age kind of dancing. Do you have any idea what that did to the movie for me? I was devastated. Then the credits started rolling. At least the music wasn't bad...

Cleri-who?

First things first: my rain dance worked. No rain=Big Day Off= Awesome sauce. I'm not one to brag, but I'm pretty proud of myself. Also, Rachel taught me a new game: wiki racing. You start on a random Wikipedia page and race somebody to get to another page by only clicking on links in the articles.

Anyway, for English class this weekend we're supposed to write four clerihews, and I'm having a little trouble. For those of you who don't know, a clerihew is a 4-lined poem with an AA BB rhyme structure. The first line is always a proper noun and its supposed to be a witty/funny sort of poem. Here's a couple of examples we got during class:

Vince Young

Your Fu is not yet Kung

Your hop ain't hip, your juke don't jive

I'm going to eat your rookie ass alive.

Or this one:

N*Sync

Stink.

Their music hurts my ears

I much prefer Britney Spears.

At least I think that's how they go. It seems like it would be really easy, but so far I have only come up with one decent one :

Funnel Cake
Angels make.
Most delicious snack
Sugar-coated heart attack.

So...yeah. I'm sure I'll come up with something else, I just thought I'd share. Oh by the way, I've challenged Brian's blog to a blog war. We don't know exactly what that entails so if anyone has any ideas feel free to comment. I'm done.

Big Day Off

Yay, another post! So, it's Big Day Off tomorrow, and I'm hoping it doesn't rain like last year or else it'll suck. To lower the chances of rain, I've decided to put up an anti-rain dance:

Sure it's raining in the picture, and you assume that means the dance didn't work? Oh no, my friend. It's raining in the picture instead of raining in real life tomorrow. That's why the mouse is holding the umbrella. It's a repellent. The fact that it's a mouse doing the dance has no purpose.

This brought to mind the "themes" for Big Day Off. What did they actually mean? I know the Why So Serious? thing from Batman is supposed to be like "Oh yeah, we're not going to be serious cuz we're gonna have fun!" But aside from that, there aren't going to be any Batman shaped ice-cream cones or Joker themed slides or anything, so what's the point? Last year the theme didn't make any sense at all: The Coke Side of Life. What does that mean? We certainly didn't have any soda slides or taste testing there that year, and unless the people who thought up that idea were drug addicts, I don't see how anyone can relate coke to endless fun.

Pictured Here: Fun?

I'm probably just thinking too hard about it. We'll see what happens...

Welcome to The Paper Fence

The paper fence is a fence made of paper. It was designed to catch all of my random opinions and thoughts as they spew from my mind, thus crushing any dreams they ever had of going anywhere important. My thoughts just happen to be made of ink, so you can come read them on the fence if you want.