The Paper Fence

A fence made from paper. Interesting...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My pride and joy

Everyone should read this article I wrote!

Also, sorry I haven't been posting much (read as: at all)

Friday, September 4, 2009

4 Effective Commercials That Make No Freaking Sense

We've all seen them. You're sitting on your couch waiting for the rest of Ultimate Cake Off to come back from break (What's that? You don't watch Ultimate Cake Off? I judge you) and the usual dull commercials are running across the screen while you get some cake yourself or water your cactus. All of a sudden, something on the television makes you do a double-take. Are those guys playing practical jokes on Sasquatch? Yes. Yes they are. And you know the weird thing? It makes you want some beef jerky. This is an ode to those commercials. Here are some oddly persuasive commercials who's writers probably didn't know what they were selling. I think it's no coincidence that all of these are food/drink commercials.

Caribbeans would be awesome fisherman if not for that damn alcohol
The Commercial:

Yeah like this, but with ALCOHOL !!
Wtf meter:

Ok, there were a lot to choose from for Malibu Rum, but this pretty much sums them up. It's kind of hard to tell what their message is from the commercial. Is the Caribbean made up of trained navy men disguised as fisherman? Is the only thing stopping the Caribbean from monopolizing the fishing industry an uncontrollable alcoholic problem? How serious do they think the rest of the world is? IS THAT SUIT THE SIZE OF AN ACTUAL CARIBBEAN FISH?!?

The commercial makes sense in a humorous sort of way. The basic idea is that if the Caribbean took things as seriously as the rest of the world (insert humorous situation here). They produced a series of similar commercials with the same premise and it's pretty clever. The problem is, none of it has anything to do with the product (which is Malibu Rum, by the way. I don't blame you if you didn't know). They never show, mention, or make any attempt to advertise what they're selling until that little 2 seconds of a bottle shown onscreen near the end. It might as well be a fisherman recruitment commercial. I would buy Malibu Rum, despite their terrible marketing techniques and the possible legal ramifications of me doing such (You do not want to see me drunk). I think the biggest contributor from this commercial is that the drill sergeant is the only one who looks intense. The rest of them look like they just got out of bed and took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. I must be apart of this situation, and that rum is my one-way ticket.

Wizard kids like dueling and have no regard for human life
The commercial:

So....the kids are just kinda...turnin' stuff into Fruit by the Foot with the power of their minds? Cool.
Wtf Meter:

Couple pals in a basement enjoyng each other's company. Nothing weird about that....wait. What are they doing? Did that one kid just turn the other kid's shoelace into candy by speaking?! How is that possible?! Do these kids have some kind of magical God powers? That's interesting. I wonder if there's a back story to this commercial. Hmm...they seem to be dueling. I wonder what they are dueling over? Did they have a schism? Maybe they're fighting over a girl; the kid on the left has fire in his eyes. Actually, I take that back. Both of their eyes seem dead. They sure are taking this in stride. Right-side-kid just got his fingers turned into Fruit by the Foot and he didn't even bat an eyeliOH MY GOD HE JUST KILLED THAT KID!! HE JUST STRAIGHT UP TURNED THAT KID ENTIRELY INTO CANDY!!! IS THAT ALLOWED??!! DOES THIS DUEL HAVE ANY RULES?? Ref? What's going to happen now? Is he going to eat him?? Eeeewww... Where are these kids' parents?!?!

Busy messin with Sasquatch


I think you already know where I'm going with this one. Got a problem? A parking ticket? Springs in your bed popped? Aliens/Meteor threatening to destroy the planet? No problem! Just turn it all into Fruit by the Foot and eat it! "How do I get this wonderful power" you say? Just eat some Fruit by the Foot! Then turn some stuff into candy and eat it, thereby gaining more power! Vicious cycle? More like delicious cycle. The only way this could be a bad thing is if you go mad with power or just hate the taste of Fruit by the Foot. The former isn't a con and the latter is impossible so I SEE NOTHING!!

Sprite is made from the remains of others
The Commercial:

Mmmm tasty
Wtf Meter:
Let's see. Mass suicide...People bathing in the remains of said mass suicide...This is obviously a recruitment by Sprite to get people to join their cult. The weirdest part for me, though, is how easily they burst into that clear liquid that I assume is Sprite. That and the fact that nothing comes out but pure Sprite. How much Sprite would a person have had to drink before you explode at the slightest touch (well sure they took running starts, but I'm using UFC fighting as a reference) and nothing come out but Sprite? Let me say that again: Nothing came out but Sprite. Do you have any idea what it takes to maintain human life? Bones, blood, organs, muscles, etc? Now imagine drinking so much Sprite, nothing but Sprite for so long, that everything inside you turns into Sprite. That's alot of Sprite.

Well I'm not so sure that I'd want to kill myself for the satisfaction of others around me, but I guess maybe if I was one of the pople taking a shower it wouldn't be so bad. The people in this video also seem not to care about the deaths going on around them so that's something in common with the Fruit by the Foot kids.

They call it Coke for a reason
The Commercial:

Sorry, I only play the muppet trumpet...
Wtf Meter:

Why is it that every Coca-Cola commercial looks like the hallucination of somebody on some bad drugs? Oh that's right. Maybe it's because of all the cocaine they used to dump in it. Obviously somebody was tripping balls sometime during the making of this commercial.
"The mysterious man played his piano, and the monsters made their wonderful sounds. The hypnotizing melody lured innocent bystanders into the area. In their daze they cannot help but dance along with the little demons' tunes. Then coke grows out of the ground and they all start drinking it. Then the cops show up and totally bust the guy for drug traffiking and abduction." - Steven Spielburg, on the plot of his commercial idea for Coca-cola. I think they edited it a little...

Besides the whole "summoning minions from the netherworld" and "ensnaring unsuspecting youths to their doom" thing, it's a pretty catchy tune and they look like they're having a good time. At least mysterious man doesn't look like he wants to do anything wierd to them; maybe he's just in desperate need of some friends.

"I'd do anything to be your friend!"

It's no wonder when I woke up from my black out I found myself with a bottle of Coke in my hand.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The True Story of Pinocchio

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Bear vs. FCC

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Dic-tion-ar-y n. (see Lexicon)

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

New Background

Finally a new background! Isn't it nice? I got it from AlpHa Buttonpusher at her blog designs, functions, and other arts blog at She takes requests and is pretty skilled so give her a visit.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

You Make Me Cool: My life according to The Seatbelts

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's harder than you think.

Your Artist: The Seatbelts

Are you male or female: The Real Man

Describe yourself: Spy

How do you feel about yourself: Forever Broke

Describe where you currently live: What Planet is This?!

The first thing you think of when you wake up: Rush

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Road to the West

Your favorite form of transportation: Flying Teapot

Your best friend is: Diggin My Potato

What's the weather like: Clutch

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Go Go Cactus Man

What is life to you: 24hours OPEN

What is the best advice you have to give: Gotta Knock a Little Harder

If you could change your name, what would it be: Words That We Couldn't Say

Your favorite food is: Chicken Bone

How I would like to die: Vitamin A

My soul's present condition: Gateway

The faults I can bear: The EGG and YOU

How would you describe your love life: Want It All Back

What are you going to post this as: You Make Me Cool

Afterthoughts: Farewell Blues

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

This Book Will Change Your Life

Recently I've been spending a lot of time in the a bookstore near my house. I came across this book a few times and decided to take a look inside. It's called "This Book Will Change Your Life" and true to it's name, it will. The basic idea is that the book gives you something interesting to try out to spice up the day or look at things from a different perspective. Each page is another day of the year and the entire book is to be finished in a year. Some of the ideas are pretty good, like for instance introducing yourself to a stranger and asking them their first impression, or a day where you don't say anything at all in recognition of how much meaningless chatting our lives are filled with. But other ideas are some I wouldn't recommend, like doing a self-colonoscopy or eating a small piece of your furniture. For those of you who are wondering, the self-colonoscopy involves taking a shower head off, putting the tubing in your butt, running warm water through your digestive tract, and then draining out all the waste. It's something you generally do at a hospital but the book insists that this saves time and money. Besides some of the more wacky things (trying to levitate objects, the are-you-a-seial-killer test) this book is a really good idea. I recommend it, especially for people who find themselves in the same endless loop year after year. Check it out.